So, long story short, i have had to choose between my two best friends, Jill and John. I really like john and he's basically like my best friend, and i absolutely adore my dear Jill because she has always been there for me even with my most CRAZY plans....
basically, what happened was that they both knew that i really liked John and he liked me too, at least i thought. and he seemed to really care about me and want the best for me. anyways, they ended up hanging out together, and some circumstances made them not think very clearly and i'm fine with that, i really don't care about the whole thing, i mean i wish they hadn't of messed around, but i know that it's ok and we all make mistakes sometimes.
well they hung out and he told me later that they had kissed. He told me but he told me not to tell jill because he wasn't supposed to tell me. i was cool with that, because i really wanted my friend to come to me and trust me and realized that this isn't the end, it was dumb but i'd forgive her. i mean, honestly, i am the MOST FORGIVING PERSON you will EVER meet, like so forgiving it's almost dumb. and i am SO trusting of people that they all want to do the best thing and help, i have quickly realized that people are NOT always trusting and want to protect you, there are people who actually don't care at all and they pretend they do in order to get stuff out of you. now, when i saw Jill at school, she never mentioned anything at all, and that made me mad because she should know that i am so forgiving, but she didn't say anything. I finally, i know this is horrible, but i found the BEST kind of torture to a person, and i did it. whenever i saw her, i would start telling her how happy i was that i could trust her with EVERYTHING and i KNEW she WOULD tell me if ANYTHING happened.... i continued on with this for awhile, i knew it was horrible, but i was feeling very betrayed because she wouldn't tell me what was going on and what had happened. i just wanted to hear it from her, i didn't care if they had sex or whatever, i just wanted to know and hear it from her mouth.
finally, i couldn't take it anymore and she wasn't saying anything, so i just blurted it out and said that i knew this had happened and i just wanted to know if it was true (even though i knew it was). she was VERY sorry, and she said that he did kiss her and that she felt very betrayed by him because he was very pushy and asked her again and again and again. now, that sounds like him, but not that he would just make her do anything. but still, i was very very upset with him and i pretty much cut him out of my life. i deleted ANY kind of contact i had with him and it seemed to work, for awhile anyway.
about three weeks ago, he texted me, and he said that he wanted me to know the truth because i deserved to hear it all. he ended up going into details of what had happened, but something wasn't adding up, one part of the whole thing just DIDN'T sound like Jill. i ended up believing him and getting really mad at her, but i didn't want to just ask her about it because i was pretty mad, so he ended becoming one of the only people i could talk to. and i even started liking him again. i knew i shouldn't because he has a girlfriend, but i couldn't help it. he is a great guy, handsome, sweet, funny, and i liked him, a lot again.
me and Jill slowly started becoming farther and farther away, she and i hardly talked at all. i didn't like it because i wanted to be her best friend but i wanted to trust her and i felt like ei couldn't because she hadn't told me the truth, without truth, there's no trust.
finally, he texted her and asked her why she had lied to me. Jill ended up posting a whole entire journal thing about EVERYTHING that had happened and i still felt hurt because she had published my whole entire story, well, our whole entire story on deviantart rather than just coming to me and telling me about it. i told John about it and he read it and told me that it wasn't true, some of it just wasn't true. he even accused her of trying to get pity from everyone. i didn't know what to think, he was SO SO convincing and when you like someone, you don't think straight, let's just be honest.
but i REALLY wanted to have my best friend Jill back. so i told her that i was pretty upset and felt betrayed about the whole entire thing of posting it on here. anyways, she finally told me what happened, and it turns out that she wasn't the one lying, he was. i know, in my heart, that her story is true. she wouldn't lie to me and feels too hurt and devastated about what she had done to continue on keeping it a secret from me. even, just knowing both of their personalities, her side makes more sense and is true to their personalities and i don't doubt it, there's still a part of me that wants to doubt it because i want to believe John, but i know i can't.
I know that this whole entire thing is horrible and part of me wishes that this wouldn't have happened, but i know, that it needed to happen. something we just need to go through in order to grow stronger. what doesn't kill us only makes us stronger. and it's been hard, and it's not over, i have to know figure out how to unfriend someone who i like, and care about as a person. i have to forgive, but i have to still remember what had happened and not do it again. John isn't worth it, and im not going to spend anymore time crying over him, i have my whole entire life ahead of me, and me and Jill are going to get through this and it's all going to work out. we may hit a few more bumps along the way, but if our friendship can last through this, then it can last through anything.
To my dear Jill (You know who you are) I'm sorry i ever doubted you, and let a boy get between us.
sometimes i wish i could go back and never have this happen to me, but if it hadn't, it probably would have been even more detrimental to my health and my friends. we're safe and we're gonna get through this and it'll all be over soon.